Until now. Welcome to a miscellany of humor, essays, poetry, commercials, and one-act plays (which entertained Chico audiences in the early 2000s), works “that I didn’t want to disappear.” A breezy read, “Getting It Write: (Mostly) Unpublished Writing 1974–2025” ($20 in paperback from Stansbury Publishing) is an antidote to the terribly serious business of real world events.
Metzger’s cockeyed sense of humor and twisty points of view may explain why he failed repeatedly to win the famed cartoon caption contest at the New Yorker magazine (despite his entries being “way funnier” than the winners). But never mind that. He’s out to serve the public with “This Week’s Pets,” a list of “abandoned pets” needing “loving homes.”
Take Arnold: “a spunky young Rottweiler/German shepherd mix, trained to respond to German. He knows ‘Fassen!’ (‘Attack!’) but is still learning ‘Aus!’ (‘Let Go!’). Arnold would do well in a home with an English-German dictionary, a heavy-duty cage, pepper spray, mace, a taser, and a six-foot steel pole with chain.”
Have a go at a riddle poem: “Blinded, I show you/ Nothing.// Undressed, I show you/ Mountains, back yards,/ Sunsets.// From outside: lamps, sofas,/ Kitchen sinks.// When I come clean/ You can’t see me./ You feel my pain.” (The answer is in the following: wodniw.)
He offers serious advice: “Remember that there are smart people who disagree with you and stupid people who agree.”
There’s language advice, too, from Metzger’s “The Writer’s Way” textbook: “Trust me here: when in doubt, use ‘who’ instead of ‘whom,’ since ‘whom’ when it should be ‘who’ sounds way worse than ‘who’ when it should be ‘whom.’” An example: “This is my brother, whom loves to fish. (Wrong: And sounds really stupid.)”
Metzger’s drollery abounds, for whomever needs it.
